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The Toxic Teens
Then first thing all parents need to do is stop treating their teenagers like friends. Go ahead and tell them off and don’t hesitate to set limits for them. If someone has to tell them what’s okay and what’s not, it’s got to be the parents.
That tough-love advice comes from parenting expert, Dr Michael Popkins. A father of two young children himself, one of whom is a teenager, Dr Popkins says he decided to branch out from counselling into giving parenting tips because people were ill-equipped on how to deal with their children.
He adds that too many parents may be trying to treat their teen like a friend. You can try and stand on your head and keep saying ‘Wah lau!’ to become a part of their happenin’ crowd, but teenagers will be teenagers and they will draw the line between parent and friend.
So, don’t bother, says Dr Popkins.
 “Your teen isn’t your friend; he is your child. And though there are some things in common between friends and children -- for example, having fun together, liking each other, supporting each other, solving problems together and encouraging each other -- there is one very big difference. Parents have to be the ones to set limits in the family regarding the behaviour of teens. Friends try to influence friends, but parents have to be the ones to discipline.’’
Dr Popkins, the founder of Active Parenting in the US, was invited to a parenting seminar in Singapore in July as part of National Family Week organized by the Ministry of Community Development and Sports and the Fei Yue Family Service Centre.
“Parents who are afraid to discipline their teens, for fear that their teens won’t like them, fall victim to the “friend trap,” and actually undermine their ability to be an effective leader in the home. It’s okay for teens not to like us sometimes. And while they may choose new friends if they don’t like a friend for a while, it is unlikely that they will replace us with new parents,” he adds.
So, go ahead with some of the traditional tools of parenting. Nag at your teenager, if that’s what it takes to get a message through. Set rules and enforce them within reason. Do it with love and make sure you communicate the reasons for the rules, limitations and naggy reminders. Take heart that he or she will come around, sometime in his/her 20s, and actually be grateful for the guidance (even if they never say it).
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Dear Dr Popkins
Q: Why doesn't my teen speak to me like he used to?
Dr Popkins says: One of the core goals of adolescence is to break away from one's parents and become an independent adult. Once that is accomplished, the young adult is free to develop a relationship with his or her parents as fully equal adults. This “breaking away” often takes the form of not wanting our help with problems and other aspects of their lives. Just as a young child establishes her independence saying, “I can do it myself, mummy!” a teen's silence often says the same thing. Of course, part of our job as parents is to offer our support in helping them solve problems, and using good communications skills can often help them allow us to participate.
Why is my daughter always quarrelling with her mother?
Dr Popkin says: There is often a bit of competition between parents and teens of the same sex that interferes with the relationship. A little of this is not a bad thing as it can motivate teens to be their best. However, when the competition is characterised by undue criticism and too little encouragement, it can lead to power struggles and open conflict. However, when the relationship is a positive one based on the parent fully supporting the child's success and encouraging the child's independence, same-sex relationships can be the strongest in the family.
When's a good time to talk about girlfriend or a boyfriend issues?
Dr Popkin says: Best to talk with them before they get pregnant or get AIDS! While it is never too late, younger than the teen years is always recommended. In fact sexuality education for a young child can begin with teaching her the names of her body parts and assuring her she has the right not to have to kiss various uncles if she doesn't want to. Later, say around age10-12 it is advisable to talk specifically about reproduction, sexually-transmitted diseases and your own values regarding sexual behavior.
Dr Michael Popkin, founded Active Parenting Publishers in 1983 and introduced the first video-based parenting education programe, For more information www.activeparenting.com |
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